Plastic Number Two

Resin code number two is High-Density Polyethylene.  You may know it by the abbreviation HDPE.  High-Density Polyethylene is used for milk jugs, detergent and juice bottles, butter tubs, toiletries containers, grocery bags, recycling bins, agricultural pipes, playground equipment, and plastic lumber. 

High-Density Polyethylene is an opaque thermoplastic polymer derived from the monomer Ethylene.  It was created in 1953 for pipes in storm sewers, drains, and culverts.  It is strong, hard plastic that is considered resistant to heat and sun light. 

It is accepted by most municipal recycling facilities and is recycled into the aforementioned larger products.  According to the EPA, only 12 percent of HDPE is actually recycled each year.  Due to the low rate of recycling, HDPE, like all plastics, carries a very high carbon footprint. 

This plastic is considered "safe" due to its low risk of leaching.  This plastic, like all other plastic, carries risk.  One study found that 95 percent of all plastic tested was positive for estrogenic activity, making plastic a known hormone disruptor. 

It's best to avoid this and other plastics whenever possible.

Weekly Weigh In 1/30/2019

Today is the last garbage day of the month and the handsome husband is rolling out one bag of trash.  That brings out January total to 3 bags of garbage.

How did you weigh in this week?

The Far Side

WTF Wednesday: First World Problems are the Worst

I was in between what to watch on Netflix and decided to check out 'Tidying Up' with Marie Kondo.  I am a neat freak and always delight in new ways to organize and simplify my life.  I haven't even finished the first episode and I had my rant figured out.  It was so rank with stupidity that I'm not sure if I will continue watching it.  Of course, I'll watch it, the people watching is fascinating.  

The couple featured on the episode are suffering anxiety because they have too much stuff and they can't keep their house clean.  Husband and wife talk about the toll this anxiety is taking on their marriage and both tear up over this terrible problem of theirs that results in frequent fights.  They are both at a loss as to how to fix this ghastly disaster they call life.  Their problem is precisely what's wrong with Americans.  

The couple has so much stuff that they have no place to put it.  They are not hoarders.  They are fairly typical Americans.  Their closets, dressers, cupboards are bursting with things and they have piles in some areas of things that need to be put away but the mom feels she is too busy with the two small children.  She is also too busy to do the dishes and she can't do the laundry because she hates it.  You read that right,  she can't do laundry because she hates it.  I had no idea that the disdain of a task could render you physically incapable. The couple has hired someone to come in and do the laundry because of this loathsome chore.  The reason for the piles of clothes is because after the laundry-for-hire help washes it, the mom can't fold it or put it away because she just hates that so much too.  I should mention that the husband works 50-60 hours per week.  He doesn't feel like doing the laundry either.

These people are pathetic.  They cry about how hard life is and how they just can't figure out how to make it better.  Because Marie Kondo is a nicer person than I am (or because Netflix doesn't want her verbally berating morons) she kindly helps them de-clutter and tidy their home.  She should wear a cape because she's a god damn super hero for not loosing her sh!t on these lazy excuses for adults.

I'm going to go full rant here so please stop reading if you don't care for strong language and/or constructive criticism.  

Here's the problem, this couple, just like millions of Americans are f*cking morons with an unhealthy sense of entitlement.  Act like an adult.  Go to work, save money, pay your bills, put money into retirement.  Stop buying sh!t that you don't need and live within your means.  Clean your damn house and do your laundry, even if you hate it.  Be responsible.  Crying about your clutter is not an option.  Not having money because you wasted it is not an option.  I don't have any pity for self-made problems.   Stop being a blubbering idiot and act like the adult you are supposed to be.  I may sound harsh but you know I'm right.

End rant.

Slow Clap Presents: Ziploc Bags

Real Story.  Real Stupid.

Ziploc bags were invented in 1968 by Dow Chemical Company and today they are produced by S.C. Johnson and Son.  Ziploc bags and similar bags made by Glad and Hefty are made from Polypropylene.  

The Ziploc slogan is: 

"Life Needs Plastic."

Polypropylene is a thermoplastic polymer derived from the monomer propylene.  Polypropylene is classified by the Environmental Working Group as a low to moderate hazard.  Polypropylene is considered a "safe" plastic but can leach, especially when exposed to heat.  As with all plastics, it is a known endocrine disruptor.   

Ziploc bags are designed to be reusable.  Unless the bag has been in contact with raw meat, greasy items, or moldy food, they can be washed with soap and water and propped open to dry.  You can even buy a bag dryer from a number of retailers just for this purpose.  

If you bring your used, clean, and dry bags to a local retailer that accepts plastic film, they can be recycled.  If you don't know where you can bring them, you can look at PlasticFilmRecycling.org to find a location near you.  

The average American family uses 500 Ziploc or other brand plastic bags per year.  According to Design Life Cycle, that's a total of 58,164,139 or just over 58 million bags used in the United States in one year.  Considering the average American family also uses 500 plastic shopping bags per year, that's over 160 million in just two products that we use day to day.

You can avoid using Ziploc bags by substituting sustainable products instead.  Try using a glass container, a mason jar, beeswax wraps, wax paper bags, or silicone bags. 

My two cents: I think Ziploc bags are bad for the planet and bad for our health. We use them because we think we need them. There are so many alternatives that are better for both our health and the planet, we just don't realize it because we are so used to using what is the societal norm. I wasn't aware they are designed to be washed and reused until I started reading about them for this post. I also didn't know that they can be recycled. Just because they say they can be reused and they can be recycled, doesn't mean that they should be. Washing and reusing unstable plastic just isn't a good idea. Recycling is better than not recycling, but recycling everything is a pipe dream. The amount of energy and resources that go into recycling should be saved for things like glass and aluminum because they are a closed loop material, unlike plastic bags that can only be downcycled before ending up in a landfill or water system. Using any of the aforementioned reusable products you save money in the long run.

Rating: I give Ziploc bags and plastic storage bags made by competitors three out of five possible slow claps. Life needs less plastic, not more.

Subscription to Who Gives a Crap

I wrote a post a while back about Who Gives a Crap.  You can read Who Gives a Crap?  I Do and You Should Too by clicking here.  Who Gives a Crap is a company that makes toilet paper from recycled paper and also bamboo.  I ordered one shipment of the 48 rolls of 3 ply jumbo rolls made 100% from recycled paper and we like it as much as you can like toilet paper.  We like the product, packaging, and the company, so we made it official.  We signed up for the toilet paper subscription!

The subscription is available in 8, 12, or 16-week intervals.  We selected the 12-week subscription based on how long the previous order lasted.  The cost of the subscription is the same but I like that we no longer have to think about toilet paper.  You can save $10 by using a promo code they provide for you when you sign up for the subscription. 

The product is great, the packaging is great, the company is great.  So what are you waiting for?  It's not like you are going to stop wiping.

Seasonal Sunday: Upcycle Fabric Scraps and Old Clothes

Many of us have fabric scraps from quilting or sewing, and everyone has old clothes that have holes or are stained that are unable to be repaired.  Maybe you came across these such items while kicking off your spring organization.  I had a heap of holy socks on my dryer that I wasn't sure what to do with.  I also had two pairs of yoga style pants that were torn and had holes.  

I remembered that a few years ago my husband bought a bean bag chair for the boy and over time it had become limp, as bean bags and the like tend to do.  I had finished a couple of quilts and had odd scraps and batting left over.  I opened up the bean bag chair and stuffed it full of the scraps and batting.  The bean bag chair was actually better than when it was new.  I'm happy to report that the bean bag chair is still plump and glorious today.   

Remembering this gave me an idea for the yoga pants and socks.  I cut them down to smaller pieces and decided I would solve two problems at once.  I have four limp throw pillows on our upstairs couch that I've been thinking about replacing but I haven't, because in the past when I've replaced them, the old ones went in the trash and the new ones eventually became flat, and the process slowly repeats.  The pillows I have now still have nice material, they are just, well, flat.  

Here's how to upcycle fabric scraps and old socks and clothes into plump, glorious pillows.  Side note: The socks and yoga pants were washed and dried first.  I had a scary dinosaur (with very sharp teeth) help me with this project and it was a success!  

Supplies:

Cut up fabric scraps and old holy socks and/or clothing.

Scissors, thread, needle, seam ripper.

Use the seam ripper to open the pillow along the original seam.

Fill the pillow between the existing stuffing.  Stuffing it outside of the existing stuffing will result in a lumpy, unsightly pillow.

Enlist help from your scary dinosaur.

Notice how the scraps are between the existing stuffing.  Carefully sew up the seam that you opened with thread in a color close to the pillow material.

A plump, glorious pillow!

A weird thing to do?  Maybe.  Or maybe it's friggin' genius.  You decide.

*AR-15 Offers an Innovative Approach to Waste Management (AR-15 WEM)

The National Rifle Association has announced a new, innovative approach to waste management for Americans that want to exercise their second amendment right to bear arms.  

James Fish Jr, of Waste Management, has teamed up with Colt to find a unique solution to the country's trash problem.  This solution will make sure that landfills are a thing of the past.  This solution is so cutting edge, it has never been attempted anywhere in the world!  Experts from across the country are hailing this ingenious idea as an end to the garbage crisis.   

So what is it?  This modern miracle is known as the AR-15 WEM.  That stands for ArmaLite Rifle 15 Waste Evisceration Method.  This method of eviscerating trash is so simple, even a child could do it.  It's simple, cost-effective, and fun for the whole family!

Each household that signs up for the AR-15 WEM program will receive a standard-issue AR-15 along with a standard package.  In addition to the AR-15, each household will have the option of either a SureFire high capacity magazine which offers a sensible 60 rounds or a Beta C-Mag, which is a 100 round capacity drum magazine that has been adapted for AR-15 use.  It should be noted that the National Shooting Sports Foundation strongly recommends the Beta C-Mag for optimal trash evisceration.  Each household will also receive a bump stock for their AR-15 to maximize efficiency.  Every household will be supplied with a wooden ammo crate with a 1000 round storage capability.

Since the NRA always has safety in mind, they are generously giving families with small children a Beretta Pico Pistol in addition to the AR-15 WEM standard package.  The Beretta Pico was designed with smaller hands in mind.  When your little ones aren't using the Pico, it's fantastic for conceal and carry, if you can wrestle it out of their little hands, of course.  Guns really are fun for the whole family.

The AR-15 WEM is very simple once you have your supplies.  Just heap your refuse into a pile in your back yard and let the guns do the rest.  It's that simple!  

The NRA, the National Shooting Sports Foundation, Colt, Beretta, and Waste Management care about the environment and your family.  They have put together a list of alternative uses for your AR-15, in an effort make life easier.  If the AR-15 can't do it, it doesn't need to be done.  They have even come up with a catchy slogan to spread the word about this amazing new use for the AR-15.

"AR-15: Making America Great Again, One Round at a Time."

Practical applications for the AR-15:

*Protecting yourself and your family

*Target practice

*Hunting for food

*A festive way to ring in the new year

*Easily aerate your lawn

*Use it to do the dishes

*It can remove set in stains on clothes with ease

*Makes dialing the phone a snap

*Especially helpful loosening the lids on sticky jelly jars

*Scare off pesky squirrels in the yard

*It's a fantastic back scratcher for those hard-to-reach areas

*Use it to quickly uncork wine bottles

*It can light fireworks on the fourth of July

*It's a handy tool for "drilling" holes

*The kids can use it to play spin-the-bottle

*It can unclog a toilet faster than a plunger

*Use it to remove those pesky dingle-berries dried on Rover's butt

*It can motivate your children to do chores or get their homework done

*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty

Dear Betty: Dick's Sanitation Incorporated is Misleading at the Mall

Dear DSI,

I emailed you once before about your service with Burnsville mall but did not get a response.  I write a blog about waste management and am inquiring because the trash cans at Burnsville mall are misleading.  The trash cans advertise your company and have slogans such as "don't trash it, go blue live green," along with a picture of the world with three curved arrows that are largely considered the universal symbol for recycling.  DSI does not offer any recycling for Burnsville mall, so why advertise in this way?  Would you please consider offering to recycle at the mall, or at the very least, have signage that is not misleading to consumers? 

Thank you,
Betty

My two cents: I emailed Dick's Sanitation Incorporated on 12/13/18 and 1/2/19 but did not receive a response.  The underlying message of their signage is not lost on me.  I fully understand that their company has recycling options, just not at Burnsville mall.  I've been accused of being a "literal nerd" before and that's true of my character.  When I saw that there were cans all around the food court such as the one in my picture, I thought that it was super cool that the mall is making an effort to be a slightly smaller trash monger.  I looked around to see where the recycling bins were and that's when I realized the issue with the way they are advertising.  The signage suggests that by putting your trash in a DSI can, it is somehow better for the planet and the future generation.  I realized at that moment that this must be a magical trash can, a transporter of trash if you will.  I was excited to try out this amazing, mystical device but when I put my plate from Sabarros into the receptacle, it merely fell into a bag inside.  Sadness ensued.  But wait!  This can't be just garbage, surely it is being hauled to a magical place where rainbow unicorns will feast on it (because it's their favorite food) and transform it into clumps of solid gold unicorn manure.  Looks like Dick saved the day!

The mystical can of wonders

How to Recycle Properly

Do you recycle properly?  I thought I was recycling properly and it turns out I wasn't.  I took the liberty of researching proper recycling and took the guesswork out of it for you.  You're welcome.

There are five main groups of material that can be recycled.  Make sure to check with your municipal waste company to be sure what is recycled in your area. 

Paper:  Newspaper, envelopes, junk mail, phone books, brochures, magazines.  Paper should be flat and dry.  Envelopes should have the plastic window separated and bubble wrap removed before recycling, if applicable.  Items cannot have mixed materials. 

Aluminum and metal:  Beverage cans, food cans, scrap metal.  Remove paper or plastic labels first.  Make sure it is empty, rinsed, clean, and dry.  

Cardboard:  Ream wrappers, file folders, poster board, frozen food boxes, cardboard boxes, milk cartons.  Cardboard should be flattened.

Plastic:  Water bottles, pop bottles, take out containers.  Make sure your items are empty, rinsed, clean, and dry.  Plastic lids and caps should be replaced before recycling because a loose lid or cap can jam the machines and the people who have to un-jam the machines will curse your very existence.

Glass:  Glass bottles, everything glass.  Remove plastic or paper label, if possible.  Make sure it is empty, rinsed, clean, and dry.

Items smaller than a credit card cannot be recycled.  Items this small will jam the sorting machines and cause backups.  Place each item in your bin alone.  Don't stuff smaller things into a box, bag, or container.  The machines can't sort a bunch of crap that is stuffed together.  Keep things separated and loose.  No mixed materials, like a box with a plastic window, it needs to be physically separated before being recycled.  Take the time to rinse out containers and let them dry.  One dirty item can contaminate an entire truckload of recyclables.  

Common items that people put into their recycling bin that cannot be recycled:

Plastic bags, wrappers, Styrofoam, greasy pizza boxes, electronics, batteries, yard waste, food, diapers, soiled paper, clothing, shoes, toys, tools, construction waste, and medical supplies.  Plastic bags can be dropped off at Target and Lunds to be recycled.

Itching to learn more about recycling?  Check out these two sites:

RecyclingSimplified.com

How2Recycle.info

Weekly Weigh In 1/23/19

This week the handsome husband put out zero bags of trash.  Nice!  Let's celebrate with a cartoon that humorously illustrates our first world trash problems.

How did you weigh in this week?

Target's Long A** Receipt

I love Target.  I am a dedicated Target shopper and I always have been.  Target is a company that makes an effort to give back to the community and be environmentally responsible.  Obviously, they have room for improvement but I applaud their efforts.  I also love Target because I am familiar with their products and the layout of their stores.  I don't like shopping, so knowing what and where things are is paramount. 

I had to make a big grocery run about six weeks ago and was delighted that they didn't hand me a pile of coupons that I don't want along with my receipt.  I think coupons are stupid by the way.  Either have it on sale or don't.  I like saving money but I've never wrestled with a bunch of small pieces of paper to do so.  I'm a thrifty gal, but jeez.  My delight over not being forced coupons was quickly overshadowed by the long freaking receipt they gave me.  Target has never competed in the receipt Olympics but this receipt was destined to be a contender in Receipt Wars for sure.   You can read the post about Receipt Wars here.

I think there was some extraordinary promotion going on or maybe a glitch in their computers the day I made the grocery run.  I haven't had a receipt nearly as long since and I'm happy to report that I'm still not getting non-consensual coupons stuffed into my grubby mitts at the end of my transaction.  The Target receipt (that identified as a CVS receipt), was for 41 items and measured in at a whopping 30.25 inches!  That's nuts pants but makes for a funny blog post.

Slow Clap Presents: Three Mile Island

Real Story.  Real Stupid.

"Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island."  -Mr. Burns

Three Mile Island is a nuclear generating station located in Dauphin County, Pennsylvania.  On March 28th, 1979 there was a series of unfortunate events (compounded with human error) that lead to the biggest nuclear disaster in US history.  This nuclear accident could have been avoided and is a cautionary tale that is worth telling.

The story begins in the early morning hours of that fateful day.  Reactor 1 has been shut down for refueling since the previous day.  Reactor 2 is running at nearly full power when a minor malfunction sets off a series of automatic responses in the coolant system.  One of the automatic responses is the opening of a relief valve on top of the pressurizer.  This pressure relief valve is significant in our cautionary tale.  This valve was supposed to close once the pressure normalized and if that had been the case, the accident at Three Mile Island would never have happened.  The valve failed to close and stuck in the open position.  Operators in the control room have not been properly trained and believe coolant is being pumped into the system as it should be but it is actually being diverted due to the valve.  This causes the reactor to overheat.  An operator overrides the automated cooling system.  Coolant is mistakenly allowed to spew out for over two hours and radiation levels rise inside the plant.

Shortly before 7am, a site emergency is declared, and half an hour later a general emergency is declared.  That afternoon there is a hydrogen explosion in the containment building.  It isn't until the next day that the extent of the core damage and possible release of radioactive material is realized.

Residents within a ten-mile radius are advised to stay indoors with windows closed and ventilation systems off.  Then pregnant women and small children within five miles of the site are advised to evacuate.  Farmers are then told to keep their animals under cover and feed them only stored feed.  Next, the evacuation radius is extended to a twenty-mile radius. 

Three days into the accident it is discovered that there is a hydrogen bubble trapped in the dome of the pressure vessel.  There is fear that this will cause an explosion that could lead to a large scale leak of radioactive material.  Instead, the hydrogen was slowly vented out into the atmosphere and the risk of explosion was averted.  

The lack of coolant caused a partial meltdown of the core in reactor 2.  This caused a leak of radioactive gases and iodine into the environment.  Depending on which study you read or believe, this leak led to death and disease for wild animals and livestock in the area.  It leads to an increase in non-specified cancer, leukemia, and thyroid cancer in people.  Other studies suggest there was no impact on the health of animals or humans.

Cleanup of the radioactive contamination began in August of 1979 and was complete in December of 1993.  The total cost to clean up Three Mile Island was $1 billion.  The accident caused $2.5 billion in property damage to the local area.  

The Three Mile Island accident could have been avoided a few ways.  One problem was the poor training for the shift operators.  They were not fully aware of how the auto-response systems operated and subsequently misunderstood information and turned the system off.  The panel design was flawed in that it was confusing for shift operators to not see important warning lights and to misread important features.  The reason the valve became stuck was due to improper work that operators did hours earlier to fix a blockage in another area of the coolant system.

My two cents:  You should probably have well-trained operators when you are dealing with 150 tons of Uranium!  An instrument panel that is user-friendly would also be recommended.  Emergency drills anyone?  There are certain jobs that require exceptional help and guidelines, I think we know that now.

Rating:  I'm a little stumped on how to rate this man-made disaster.  I'm going to say two out of five possible slow claps for the Three Mile Island f*ck up just because I'm sick of reading about it and I want to wrap this up.  You get a gold star if you are actually still reading.  

Bite Toothpaste Bits

Several months ago I gave up Crest toothpaste for Tom's of Maine toothpaste because the tubes can be recycled through TerraCycle.  I said in my previous post that when I found a sustainable solution to the toothpaste conundrum, I would share it with you.  Today is that day.

I was browsing through Facebook one morning (because I'm an old lady and I still use Facebook) and I saw a little video about Bite Toothpaste Bits.  Toothpaste bits are similar to tooth powder but they are compressed into little pill like tablets.  You chew one of the bits a little bit and then start brushing with a wet toothbrush.  I've never heard of toothpaste bits and I was quite impressed.  I shared it on my feed because that's what old ladies on Facebook do.

So what do toothpaste bits have to offer that tooth powder doesn't?  A lack of clumps, that's what! I tried using baking soda along with the Tom's of Maine toothpaste in an attempt to be extra fresh.  Baking soda is also a whitening ingredient in many kinds of toothpaste.  I like the Tom's of Maine toothpaste but I like to have impeccable oral hygiene and teeth so white they glow in the dark.   I didn't always have that feeling after brushing with just the paste.  When you wet your toothbrush and dip it into baking soda, it leaves behind scant amounts of liquid that form clumps.  How can you share with others when you have gross slobber globs in the container?  You don't have this problem with toothpaste bits.

Bite toothpaste bits are available in mint and mint charcoal.  I chose the mint charcoal 4-month club because charcoal is an effective whitener.  Again, if my teeth don't glow in the dark, then I don't want to live!  I really like the bits and I think they do a better job than the Tom's of Maine toothpaste.  My husband has sensitive teeth and he gave the bits a try.  His only comment was that they weren't "minty" enough.  He has still been using what most people consider "regular" toothpaste so I can see why he would say that.  Natural toothpaste and bits don't have all the flavoring and chemicals that regular toothpaste has.  I have a little travel size of Crest left from "before" and when I tried it, it felt like a mint explosion in my mouth.  

My final thoughts are that I really like the mint charcoal Bite toothpaste bits and I'm glad I got the 4-month subscription.  The first shipment comes in the glass jar that you see in the picture and each shipment after that will come in a biodegradable refill packet.  The product is great, the packaging is sustainable.  What else could you ask for?

Seasonal Sunday: Hard to Get Rid of Items

So if you've been following the organization tips the last few weeks, you may have found yourself with a few hard to get rid of items.  I've been there and I want to share some ideas for you to get rid of those items in the best way possible.  I've compiled a list of hard to get rid of items and they are in alphabetical order for your reading pleasure.

Batteries:  Regular batteries, as well as lithium-ion batteries, are accepted at Batteries Plus Bulbs.  Regular batteries say they can go in the trash, but most municipalities actually don't want them in there.  They are better off being recycled. 

Car Seats:  Target has a free program once or twice a year that accepts used car seats.  We took ours to Certified Recycling and paid a small fee to recycle them properly.

Christmas lights:  Goodwill (participating locations only) recycles the copper in Christmas lights.  Call ahead to make sure that your Goodwill participates in this program.  Value Village also accepts Christmas lights, working or not.

Electronics:  Some electronics can go in collection bins at Target, others can go to any Goodwill that has the new E-cycle program.  Certified Recycling will also take electronics for a fee.

Eyeglasses:  Lions Club International has teamed up with Walmart and Sam's Club, and Value Village, so you can donate at any of those locations.  Goodwill also accepts used glasses.

Hangers:  Value Village accepts plastic or wood but not wire.

Kennel:  Any local dog rescue will accept used kennels and carriers.

Laptops:  Certified Recycling, for a fee.

Light bulbs:  You can bring regular, as well as CFL bulbs, to Batteries Plus Bulbs and they will take them for free or there may be a small fee.  CFL bulbs and fluorescent, all sizes, Certified Recycling.  Depending on the type, there may be a nominal fee.

Mattress:  Certified Recycling, for a fee.

Party Supplies:  Both Goodwill and Value Village.

Shoes:  Shoes in good condition can go to Goodwill.  Shoes that are completely worn out can be recycled by dropping them off at most Nike or Converse stores.  Look for Nike Reuse-a-Shoe drop off sites.

Stuffed Animals:  Goodwill, Value Village, Disabled American Veterans.

TVs:  Certified Recycling, for a fee.

Vacuum Cleaners:  Certified Recycling, for a fee.

Check out the following websites for other items:

www.certifiedrecycling.org

www.goodwill.org

www.lionsclubs.org/en

www.underdogrescuemn.com/

www.valuevillage.com

*Celebrity Interview with BoJack Horseman

I was fortunate enough to land an interview with celebrity BoJack Horseman.  You know and love him from his very popular TV show Horsin' Around, The BoJack Horseman show, Philbert, and his movie Secretariat.  BoJack agreed to meet with me at his restaurant Elefante, located in Hollywoo, California.

I arrive early for the interview and am promptly seated at a back table near the kitchen.  The table has a fresh candle, a menu, and a trademark deep red tablecloth.  I set my recorder on the table and ask for a glass of water.  BoJack should be here in ten minutes.  

It's been thirty minutes and BoJack has not arrived.  I go to the bathroom and make sure I look my best.  My nerves are setting in and I'm wondering when he will arrive.  I hope he hasn't forgotten our appointment.  The waiter brings me breadsticks and says Mr. Horseman should be here any minute.

Now an hour later, I'm wondering if I should leave.  The candle is half the size it was when I was seated.  I should have known he wouldn't show up for this little question and answer session.  I begin to pack up my things.

Just as I'm about to stand to leave, the kitchen doors burst open and a large figure stumbles out.  It's BoJack.  He is mumbling to himself and he looks disheveled.  His hair is wild and his clothes are a mess.  His eyes are bloodshot and he appears dirty.  The waiter who sat me earlier runs over and walks BoJack to our table and gets him seated.  Another waiter comes running over with an ice water and some plain toast.  BoJack waives it away and says he just needs a drink to steady himself and then he'll be fine.  The second waiter looks to the first for approval and the first waiter nods.  "If this is a bad time..." I start to say but the first waiter interrupts me and tells me everything is fine.  The second waiter returns with a glass of brown liquid that BoJack grabs from him swallows in one gulp, and straightens up in his chair.  He actually looks better.  The waiters cautiously step away.

I stare at BoJack while the candle flickers.  I'm not sure if I should speak or if I should wait for him to say something.  I slowly get my recorder back out, click "record," and place it on the table.  I grab my notebook and pen.  I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts to begin the interview.

BoJack:  Do I know you?

Me:  No Mr. Horseman, I'm interviewing you for my blog.  My name is Betty.

BoJack: Your what?  We're gonna bang after though right?

Me: Um, no.  I'm married.  My blog.  It's a blog about living with less and I'm interviewing you for a post.

BoJack:  Living with less?  What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?  If you're asking if I've hit rock bottom, I have, that's where I live.

Me:  Living with less, meaning living a fulfilling life with less waste and more environmental responsibility.

BoJack:  Holy sh!t that's stupid.  How did I end up with this crap gig?

Me:  I booked it with your manager.

BoJack:  Princess Carolyn set this up?  Jesus.  I need a new manager.

The waiter returns to take our order.  I ask for a glass of pink Moscato and a chef salad.  BoJack tells the waiter he'll be having a liquid lunch.  There is a long awkward pause in the conversation.

BoJack:  So...Maybe we can bang?

I stand up and reach for the recorder.

BoJack:  Wait, wait, wait.  Please sit down, I'll do the interview for your blog.  If Princess Carolyn set it up then it must be for a good reason.  I'm sorry, I'll behave.

I slowly sit back down.

BoJack:  So why did you pick me for this interview?

Me:  I'm a fan of your work and...

BoJack:  And you couldn't get any other celebrity?

Me:  There may be some truth to that.

The waiter arrives with my salad and wine.  He also has BoJack's "liquid lunch."  The liquid lunch appears to be five rum and cokes.

BoJack:  A better interview would be with Mr. Peanutbutter.  He gets excited about everything and you can get him to say anything you want really.  He once endorsed fracking just because he wanted to be the governor.  He even let them frack his own backyard until his house collapsed!

Me:  I remember seeing that on the show.

BoJack: Or even Todd.  Christ.  Todd would be a better interview than me.

Me:  That's not true, you're a good guy.

BoJack:  Nah, I'm a piece of shit but I'm fine with it.  I'm a piece of shit who knows he's a piece of shit, and that's one step up from all the other pieces of shit.

BoJack motions to get the waiters attention.  The waiter comes over and BoJack tells him to bring the rounds.  The waiter nods and heads to the bar.

Me:  The rounds?

BoJack:  You'll see, might as well make this interesting right?  Aren't you supposed to be asking me questions?

Me:  Yeah, let me get my list.

As I open my notebook to look at my list, the waiter returns with a round silver platter filled with shot glasses.  Each shot is a different color, each one bright and beautiful.  The waiter places it in the middle of the table.

Me:  That was fast.

BoJack:  I pay them to be snappy with my liquor.  I mean, I own the place.  I literally pay them.

I stare at the colorful drinks.

BoJack:  You first, pick one.

Me:  Oh, I already had a glass of wine and I haven't eaten much.  I'm good, thanks.

BoJack:  Nope.  Grab one and take a damn shot or I'm not answering any of your silly questions.

I pick one out of the sea of beautifully colored drinks.  I pick one that is light turquoise on the bottom and turns deeper blue at the top.  I look at it for a moment before I slowly bring it to my lips.

BoJack:  Knock it back!

I take the shot and it's delicious. It's sweet and goes down easy.  BoJack does three shots in rapid succession. 

BoJack:  Your turn.

I select another one that is orange on the bottom and magenta on the top.  I take the shot.  Fruity.

BoJack:  That's better.  Tonight's going to be a p-p-p-party!

Me:  Tonight?  It's eleven o'clock...in the morning.

BoJack:  Really?  Well, who's counting?  Close enough!

He hands me another shot.  It's light pink and delicious.

Me:  We need to get the interview questions started.

BoJack:  Sure thing babe, ask me anything you want.

He takes three more shots, randomly selected off the platter.  He hands me a creamy brown shot.  It tastes like chocolate.  Out of nowhere a thick woman in a ski mask bursts out of the kitchen.  She is holding what appears to be some sort of assault rifle and she is screaming.  She is heading right towards me!  BoJack throws himself on the floor and hides under the table.  I don't flinch.  Maybe it's the liquor giving me liquid courage but I see right through this.  

BoJack:  Take her, take her!  Don't hurt me, I'm a celebrity loved by millions!

Crazy Woman:  Alright girl, you're coming with me one way or another!

I cross my arms and stare at her.  She points her gun at me and screams in my face.

BoJack:  Do what she says Betty, so she doesn't hurt us both!

I slap the gun out of her hands and it lands on the floor.  It is clearly a cheap plastic replica.  The crazy woman is speechless and she stares at me with her mouth open in a state of disbelief.  

BoJack:  What's going on?  Did the crazy woman kill you or did you kill the crazy woman?

Me:  There is no crazy woman.  It's character actress Margo Martindale.

BoJack peeks his head out from under the tablecloth.  

Me:  Did you hire character actress Margo Martindale to come in here like a crazy woman to get out of the interview?

BoJack:  What?  No!

Margo:  Yes, BoJack, you did.  Don't you remember?

Margo sits down at the table next to me.  BoJack slowly comes out from under the table and returns to his seat.  He looks genuinely confused.

Margo:  Remember last week BoJack?  You hired me for this part today.  You said you had some stupid interview that you didn't want to do and you wanted me to scare off this lame writer for some stupid blog.

Margo looks at me.

Margo:  No offense.

Me:  Some taken.

BoJack:  I can't remember what I did this morning, so no, I don't remember that.

Margo:  Was it my performance that gave me away?  I wasn't in the right frame of mind.  I'm sorry my interpretation of a crazed gun wielding manic didn't come through today.

Margo grabs a couple of shots.  BoJack grabs a couple of shots.  I grab a couple of shots.

Before I realize it, we are laughing and the shots are gone.  The table is a mess of spilled liquor and glasses.  The candle has burned out hours ago.  The next thing I know, BoJack and I are laying on the floor, pretending to stare up at the stars.  We are laughing and carrying on.  I have a vague recollection of riding around the restaurant on his back and telling him to "giddy-up."   I realize that we are alone in the restaurant and I didn't even ask a single interview question.  

Bojack:  Hey, Betty.  Wanna bang?

F*cking BoJack Horseman.  I should have interviewed Mr. Peanutbutter.

BoJack Horseman

*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty

Dear Betty: Reader Request 1/18/2019

I've mentioned in a few of my posts that one of our Christmas traditions is having at least one scavenger hunt.  We do a scavenger hunt the morning after Thanksgiving when our Elf on the Shelf, Nick, comes back from the North Pole.  It doesn't have to be Christmas to have a scavenger hunt.  It can be for Easter, a special present, or just for fun.  Kids love scavenger hunts and the activity is something they remember and treasure.  I had a request from a reader (and friend) to help her make a scavenger hunt for her kids.  Sadly, we did not have the time to get one together before Christmas but it gave me the idea to share my process with others who would like to do this for their children. 

When planning a scavenger hunt like mine, you need to work backward to begin. Our Christmas kickoff scavenger hunt leads to a gift from the North Pole (wrapped in official Santa wrapping paper, of course.)  This year the gift was the Elf on the Shelf Reindeer Pet and book set.  I knew the gift was going to be hidden in the dryer.  Once I know what and where I can begin. 

The next step is to find a picture online that has relevance to the hunt itself.  Since the gift is the Reindeer pet (they got the dog last year), I selected the following picture:

The picture can be any size you want.  Next, we need to turn it into a jigsaw puzzle.  I Google "jigsaw puzzle blank" and select (in images) the jigsaw pattern that has the number of pieces that I want.  For this example, I'll do nine total pieces.  I print the pattern and I can adjust the size on our work copier that I absolutely never use for personal things.

Once you have your pattern the right size, you need to trace it onto the back of your picture.  I tape the pattern to the window and then tape the picture to the pattern backward so that I'm tracing the jigsaw pattern to the back of the picture.  I trace the lines in pencil and I do not cut it out. 

Now that you have the jigsaw pattern on the back of your picture, you can write in your final clues to the gift.  Use pencil so that ink doesn't bleed through the paper.  Since the gift is in the dryer, I write the letters D, R, Y, E, and R on five of the jigsaw sections but they are random and do not spell out the word.  The other spaces have little doodles of a Christmas tree, a candy cane, etc.  

Now that your final clues are on the back of the jigsaw pieces, it's time to reinforce that puzzle.  This is super wasteful but I use clear packing tape to laminate the front and back.  I used a laminator (definitely not the one at my work) one year and it warped the picture and made the puzzle difficult for the kids to assemble.  After you carefully cover each side in your wasted clear packing tape, trim your edges and carefully cut out the pieces of the puzzle.

Now that you have your ending, it's time to start at the beginning.   Our scavenger hunt in designed by our elf, Nick, and he brings it from the North Pole along with a letter.  The letter talks about how much he has missed us and some other warm and fuzzy letter fluff.  The letter always contains the first clue.  This is where you have to really think because you have to place your clue in the next location.  Subsequent clues are on the front of an envelope and each envelope contains the puzzle piece.  I tape the clue to the front and try to reuse the envelopes.  We have nine puzzle pieces and nine clues, which means we need nine hiding spots but only eight envelopes with clues, and one blank envelope.  

Before you hide your clues, lay out your envelopes and use a sticky note to write where you are hiding that clue.  For example, in this scenario,   the envelope that reads "It Takes SIX Tickets to Win" is going to have a sticky note that says "china hutch."  I'm not sure if it's just me but after doing all this work, my brain turns to mush and I need those sticky notes so I don't f*ck up the whole scavenger hunt.

The first clue was in the letter.  Clues usually start out easier and progress in difficulty.  The first clue is: 

You go to the stocking and there is an envelope with the next clue on the front and one puzzle piece.  The clue is:

This leads you to page 89 in Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein.  There is another envelope with a puzzle piece and another clue:

The flag for China leads you to the china hutch, of course.  There you find another envelope with a puzzle piece and another clue that reads: It Takes SIX Tickets to Win.

You know that Ticket to Ride: First Journey requires six tickets to win.  You search the box and find another envelope with a puzzle piece and another clue that reads: Eat Me, Drink Me.

An obvious reference to Alice in Wonderland, you find the envelope in the book.  The next clue reads: Java.

Behind the coffee machine, you find another envelope with a puzzle piece and another clue:

In the Monopoly box, you find another envelope with a puzzle piece and another clue:

That's Rob Vanwinkle aka Vanilla Ice.  Of the Ice Ice Baby variety of fame.  That line of thinking leads you to the freezer, and under the bin that holds the ice, you find the final envelope and puzzle piece.

Now that you (your kids rather) have all nine puzzle pieces, they assemble them and tape each section to another.  Wasteful!  I know.  This way they can flip it over to reveal the final gift location.  Or, if you scrambled the letters, they will unscramble the letters, find the gift, open the gift, and love you forever.  Or, in my case, they will love the elf and give him all the credit.  

So Long Yard Waste Bin

Like many people, we've been paying for a yard waste bin.  We live in Minnesota and that means grass clippings, gardening, and leaf cleanup.  All that waste has to go somewhere and the best option is to pay to have it picked up each week.  Or is it?

My husband and I have really been thinking about what we spend our money on and the yard waste bin came up.  Each spring we pay a lump payment for a season of weekly yard waste pick up.  Years ago when we signed up, our garbage company supplied us with a 64-gallon bin that is for grass clippings, leaves, plants, and sticks.  If you fill the 64-gallon bin, they will haul away unlimited paper yard waste bags.  For this service, we pay between $140 to $170 each year.  If you average the amount and add in the cost of paper yard waste bags, you are looking at an estimated total of $175 per season, times six seasons, equals $1,050.  Think about that for a moment.  Is it really worth $1,050 to have someone haul away grass clippings and leaves?  The funniest part is that when my husband built our raised garden beds, we had to buy dirt.  

I'm oversimplifying it in my mind, but how am I paying for yard waste to be picked up and also paying again when I buy it back in a dirt and compost mixture?  I realize there really isn't a way around having to pay for dirt.  Have a truck deliver it, by the way, skip the plastic bags of dirt.

So what to do with the yard waste?  Pick up the sticks and burn them when you have a bonfire.  Compost the plants and trimmings from your garden.  It's good for your lawn when you mulch the glass and leaves.  My husband has a mulch kit on his riding mower for this purpose.  If you prefer to bag your grass clippings and/or leaves, build or buy a wire leaf bin and let them rot before adding it back into your garden.  

DIY Wire Leaf Bin

Composting for a New Generation