*Receipt Wars: CVS is King

Receipt wars get just about as much coverage as the Olympics, and for good reason!  It is no easy task to be able to spit out one, two, or even three feet of paper for a single (or minimal) purchase.  It takes a great deal of dedication and ingenuity to be able to think of all the extras that someone wants on their receipt.  There’s the purchase item, of course, but you need to know what store the receipt is from and it is ideally in very large print.  The address and phone number of the specific store should be listed, just in case someone should forget where they were when they bought that pack of gum or other arbitrary item.  The name and general description of the cashier should be present. Then there is your total as well as your total savings, not just for this purchase, but for the entire calendar year.  There should be a cryptic description for each item as well as an exceedingly long numeric identifier that will make no sense to anyone. A phone number and website for a survey should be included as well as a specific transaction number.  Rewards should be listed in large print as well as a multitude of coupons. Not just some coupons, there should be coupons for things that you want, things that you definitely don’t want, and things that you would never, ever consider buying.  What separates the truly great receipts from the run-of-the-mill receipts lies in the details. A truly great receipt will include things such as, the day of the week the purchase was made, the longitude and latitude for the store, the ambient temperature in the store at the exact moment of purchase, a horoscope that is specific to the individual making the purchase,  the position of the sun in relation to each of the planets, whether or not the stars are aligned in a favorable manner, and last, but not least, the receipt should have its exact length in feet and inches, as well as centimeters, so that it will be easy for customers to show off to all of their friends and family when they have the longest receipt.

*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty