The National Rifle Association has announced a new, innovative approach to waste management for Americans that want to exercise their second amendment right to bear arms.
James Fish Jr, of Waste Management, has teamed up with Colt to find a unique solution to the country's trash problem. This solution will make sure that landfills are a thing of the past. This solution is so cutting edge, it has never been attempted anywhere in the world! Experts from across the country are hailing this ingenious idea as an end to the garbage crisis.
So what is it? This modern miracle is known as the AR-15 WEM. That stands for ArmaLite Rifle 15 Waste Evisceration Method. This method of eviscerating trash is so simple, even a child could do it. It's simple, cost-effective, and fun for the whole family!
Each household that signs up for the AR-15 WEM program will receive a standard-issue AR-15 along with a standard package. In addition to the AR-15, each household will have the option of either a SureFire high capacity magazine which offers a sensible 60 rounds or a Beta C-Mag, which is a 100 round capacity drum magazine that has been adapted for AR-15 use. It should be noted that the National Shooting Sports Foundation strongly recommends the Beta C-Mag for optimal trash evisceration. Each household will also receive a bump stock for their AR-15 to maximize efficiency. Every household will be supplied with a wooden ammo crate with a 1000 round storage capability.
Since the NRA always has safety in mind, they are generously giving families with small children a Beretta Pico Pistol in addition to the AR-15 WEM standard package. The Beretta Pico was designed with smaller hands in mind. When your little ones aren't using the Pico, it's fantastic for conceal and carry, if you can wrestle it out of their little hands, of course. Guns really are fun for the whole family.
The AR-15 WEM is very simple once you have your supplies. Just heap your refuse into a pile in your back yard and let the guns do the rest. It's that simple!
The NRA, the National Shooting Sports Foundation, Colt, Beretta, and Waste Management care about the environment and your family. They have put together a list of alternative uses for your AR-15, in an effort make life easier. If the AR-15 can't do it, it doesn't need to be done. They have even come up with a catchy slogan to spread the word about this amazing new use for the AR-15.
"AR-15: Making America Great Again, One Round at a Time."
Practical applications for the AR-15:
*Protecting yourself and your family
*Target practice
*Hunting for food
*A festive way to ring in the new year
*Easily aerate your lawn
*Use it to do the dishes
*It can remove set in stains on clothes with ease
*Makes dialing the phone a snap
*Especially helpful loosening the lids on sticky jelly jars
*Scare off pesky squirrels in the yard
*It's a fantastic back scratcher for those hard-to-reach areas
*Use it to quickly uncork wine bottles
*It can light fireworks on the fourth of July
*It's a handy tool for "drilling" holes
*The kids can use it to play spin-the-bottle
*It can unclog a toilet faster than a plunger
*Use it to remove those pesky dingle-berries dried on Rover's butt
*It can motivate your children to do chores or get their homework done
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty
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