I made a trip to Abdallah Candies a couple of weeks ago and I realized that I am, in fact, a superhero.
Before this shopping trip, I had an inkling that I had some special abilities that set me apart from the other humans but it wasn't until my encounter at Abdallah that I realized, for the first time, the seemingly limitless power that I am capable of. I left the store that evening in awe of myself. My mind was racing and I was trying to recall exactly when this transformation had occurred. I know that I haven't always had this superhero power but it didn't just come out of nowhere either.
I haven't had any cancer treatment that resulted in a superhero mutation. I hadn't been involved with any science experiments that had gone awry. I surely would have noticed if someone had bonded adamantium to my skeleton, although I do have titanium screws in my feet. My parents are not disgustingly rich and I assume they have not been murdered since they are alive and well. I am also not a wealthy business magnate who happens to be an ingenious scientist. I don't recall any spider bites, although the neighbor's dog did bite me a couple of years ago when I drunkenly offered him a stick, but that doesn't seem to be it. Regardless of how it happened, it has surely happened because I have not always had this ability.
I noticed something had changed when I stopped at Byerlys a month or two ago. I had to stop for one item and at the checkout, they tried to put it in a plastic bag but I promptly told them that there was no need. The bag boy froze and stared at me. He asked me if I was sure and I said that I was. I carried my one item out using just my hand.
Around that same time I stopped at Joann Fabric and bought several yards of quilting fabric for a Zelda quilt I'm making for Harriet (not her real name.) I told the checkout girl "no bag" when she went to put my nicely folded fabric in a plastic bag. Again, she looked at me in disbelief. She asked me if I was sure. I laughed and told her I was sure, I was just walking to my car and then going home.
The magnitude of these small feats had somehow escaped my attention. The change had begun. This same scenario happened a few more time in exactly the same way. Disbelief and questions. No bag? Just a hand? How does she do it?!?!
The day I stopped at Abdallah Candies I bought exactly five items. I haven't been there in years but I needed a gift and that seemed a nice place to go. I bought a card and four thin boxes of candy. Dark chocolate salted caramels, two boxes of mixed truffles, and one four pack of cashew grizzlies for myself, 'cuz them shits is off the chain son! I paid and the checkout girl put the items halfway in a bag before I could tell her not to. I smiled and said, "no bag, please." She stared at me. I said, "I'm just walking to my car." She scoffed at me and took them out of the bag. Here is where the magic happens, I grabbed the four boxes and card IN ONLY ONE HAND.
On my drive home I reflected on the interaction. Who scoffs at no bag? What is so unusual about not wanting a plastic bag that I will use for a matter of minutes but will take forever to decompose?
By the time I got home the answer was clear to me. I walked inside and greeted the handsome husband. I gave him a kiss and told him the news. "I AM A SUPERHERO," I said. It was no shock to him, I could tell because his reply was "uh-huh."
Since this life-changing realization, I have spent time thinking about what all newly minted superheroes are forced to consider. What will my name be, tights or no tights, is a cape too cliche, can I trust myself to only use my power for good?
It has all become clear to me. No tights, but stockings for a sexier look, for sure a cape, and I will use my power for mostly good and just a touch of evil.
My name? I am Handy Girl! I have the ability to carry between 1 and 5 items WITH JUST 1 HAND. I can, if need be, use two hands but one hand is my specialty. I am Handy Girl, a superhero, and no, I don't give hand jobs.
Betty as Handy Girl.
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty
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