*Mama Betty's Grouchnomicon

Newly discovered, in the darkest annals of Grouchland (in the trunk of a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88,) the Grouchnomicon is now available for all of your dark, occult, and supernatural trash needs!  The Grouchnomicon is, potentially, the most dangerous trash book known to the western world.  You can reserve the original on the waiting list at the Vatican library, or you can buy a printed copy at any participating S-Mart store.  Make sure to use the promo code: HTTKB if placing an online order from S-Mart.  The promo code will save you 10 percent on your order and if you can figure out what it stands for, S-Mart will throw in FREE shipping!

This extremely powerful and dangerous grimoire is beautifully bound in grouch skin and each page contains spells and chants that will invoke all of your nefarious trash wishes and curses.

The Grouchnomicon was once only available to grouches but now it can be yours to use.  The Grouchnomicon has 3 basic uses, summoning, miscellaneous portals, and W.C.P.S. (wishes, curses, prayers, and spells.)

1.  Summon a Grouch:
Summoning a grouch can be of assistance to you in a variety of ways.  It's much like using a Meeseeks box to have Mr. Meeseeks assist you in any way that you need, so that he may die and fulfill his destiny.  When you summon a grouch, they are eager to help you in order to return to Grouchland as quickly as possible.  So what can you do with a grouch?  The possibilities are endless really.  Let's say you forgot to take out the trash, go ahead and summon a grouch and make him take it out.  Did you forget about those leftovers in the back of the fridge?  Don't throw them away, simply summon a grouch and he will most certainly be happy to eat every last bite.  Did you throw something away by mistake?  Summon a grouch and he will be delighted to go to the dump and find it for you.  It should be noted that summoning works differently for grouches than humans.  Grouches summon demon grouches and demon grouches can't utilize the Grouchnomocon.

2.  Miscellaneous Portals:
Portals are as versatile as they are handy.  What can you do with a garbage portal?  The answer is what can't you do with a garbage portal?!?!  Let's say you have too much junk in your garage and you're tired of it and want to park in there but junk removal is costly and a hassle.  Use the Grouchnomicon to open a portal right outside that filthy garage and toss everything right in there.  Does the portal lead to the dump?  To Grouchland?  Who cares?  It's out of your garage and not your problem.  Have you been scorned?  Maybe you have an ex-lover or a boss who has done you wrong?  Go ahead and open a reverse dump portal above their home, it will rain garbage until you feel like making it stop.  Are you tired of picking up after your dog?  Did you forget a bag and Rover pooped on a walk?  No problem, use a mini-portal and that poop will be gone in an instant.     Where does the poop go?  Actually, it rains down on Grouchland, they love the stuff, but that's just because grouches can't tell the difference between sh!t and Shinola.

3.  Wishes, Curses, Prayers, and Spells:
One example of prayer would be the stain prayer.  Stain prayers are best suited for spills that stain the carpet, a stain on a mattress, or a red dot on your cashmere sweater, for example.  Say the stain prayer and more often than not, the stain will fade within about 24 hours and be undetectable to the naked eye.  When the stain prayer fails, just use a wish to replace the item and then use a portal to send the old one to the dump.  There are a lot of spells to choose from but one example is the Hell Spell.  Do you want to get rid of something but putting it in the garbage is too good of a place for it to go?  Maybe a gift from an ex or something you inherited from a family member you detest?  That dump is too good a place for those sorts of items.  When you want to give an extra f*ck you to that person, use the Hell Spell and you will summon howling grouch demons that will drag that awful something to the deepest, most fiery pits of garbage Hell.  Curses are great for turning other people's things into garbage.  For example, let's say your neighbor got a promotion and bought all new furniture for his house.  The neighbor is a conceited a**hole and you just can't allow this.  Use an Ikea Curse and that new furniture will be transformed.  Sure, it will look the same but it will be structurally that of Ikea pressed board, fake panel, garbage furniture.  Just try to hide your smug face when the neighbor can't figure out what happened.

Reading too long from this most dangerous trash book risks madness, hallucinations, demon induced insanity, possession of limbs, demonic possession, unintentional opening of portals and/or vortexes, or shortness of breath.  Please use the Grouchnomicon at your own risk.

Look for these terrible and forbidden books coming soon: The Grouchnomicon Spell Book, Dead Names: The Dark History of the Grouchnomicon, and The Gates of the Grouchnomicon.

Watch for Mama Betty's Boom Stick, coming soon!

  *Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty