*Who is Betty Stebber?

I've been writing What the Waste?!?!? for a while now and I know some of you have been wondering who Betty really is.  I thought I would take the time to share a little bit about myself with my readers.

I was born in September of 1942 and was raised in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  I graduated high school at 15 years old and went on to study law at Harvard University.

After Harvard, I decided to focus on my modeling career and was quickly noticed by Victoria's Secret.  I worked as a runway model and was Angel of the Year in 1958, 1965, 1972, 1986, 1992, 2001, and 2018.  I decided to put modeling and runway work behind me now that I'm 29 and have had four beautiful children.  It just gets harder and harder to stay camera ready these days.

When I wasn't rocking the runway, I tried to divide my time between a few other ventures. 

I was the first person to circumnavigate the globe.  I did it a year before Lindbergh too.  Back then men got the credit for everything.  I actually did it in slightly less time than he did but that's because I flew that plane like a bat out of hell.  Meatloaf got that line from me by the way.

I inspired Mother Teresa to devote her life to doing the work of God.  To be fair, I just suggested she do good things, doing it for the lord was her idea.  I belong to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, so Christ isn't really my thing.  I'm still a dedicated Pastafarian to this day.  I don't even mind that I didn't get any credit when she got the Nobel Peace Prize or when she was canonized.

I dated Frank Sinatra for a little while.  That was right after I had the idea for technicolor.  It came to me in a dream and it was quite rewarding to see it come to fruition.  You're welcome for the Wizard of Oz by the way. 

I wrote all the original code for the 1985 release of Oregon Trail.  It was around that time that I dated Larry David.  We were on again, off again for many years.  Larry won't admit it but Seinfeld was really my idea.  It was supposed to be called "Chronicles of Stebber." 

I also wrote the code for both Zelda and Super Mario Bros.  The ones you play on the original NES, not that crap they have today.  I always say "if it's more than 8 bits, you don't need it!"

Oprah and I worked together on the Orphanage Conservation Project.  It's the same premise as trophy hunting.  In trophy hunting, you pay a large sum of money to hunt exotic game and the money benefits the rest of the herd.  The Orphanage Conservation Project is the same thing, it just isn't as well known, for obvious reasons. 

I worked alongside Al Gore for many years creating the internet.  It was during those years that I was in a serious relationship with Bil Hamm, yes, Bil with one L.  He is Jon Hamm's younger brother.  He looks a lot like Jon actually, but much, much better. 

In the late 1990's I created the Goldendoodle.  It's a hybrid breed that is pretty popular today.  At the time I had a lovely Golden Retriever and an equally stunning Poodle.  I figured 'why not' and gave it a shot.  Turns out to have been a pretty good whim. 

I've worked on and off for the U.S. government as a high profile assassin.  History books say otherwise, but I was the one who was lucky enough to put a bullet into Hitler, Hussein, and Bin Laden.  It was all under contract, so I don't really mind not getting the credit like I should.

I won the Boston marathon in 2014, which really made me proud since I was the first American to win since 1983.

I suppose some would say I've accomplished a lot in my life and maybe they are right.  There are some things I haven't done, if only because they are just too cliché for me.  I have not cured cancer, solved world hunger, or achieved world peace.  Those are for someone else.  I just do what comes naturally.

Below is a picture of me as Angel of the year.

*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty