*Celebrity Interview Featuring Hannibal Lecter

I applied for the opportunity to interview Hannibal Lecter for this blog.  I was surprised and ecstatic when I received an approval letter from the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane for my requested interview.  Dr. Lecter must be rather bored to have accepted an interview with me but I don't care, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

On interview day, I arrive at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane in the early evening.  I am directed to Dr. Frederick Chilton's office where we exchange the usual pleasantries.  He questions my desire to interview Dr. Lecter and comments that Dr. Lecter must be desperate for female attention to have accepted my interview request.  As he walks me to the wing that Dr. Lecter lives in, he gives me the expected run through.

Dr. Chilton: Do not touch the glass, do not approach the glass.  You pass him nothing but soft paper.  No pencils or pens, no staples or paperclips in his paper.  Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions.  If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it.

Barney greets me and lets me through the final door to the row of cells that house Dr. Lecter and others that are criminally insane.  I walk on the wall side of the walkway as to keep far away from the cells until I get to the last one.  The last one is the cell that Hannibal Lecter lives in.  His cell is brightly lit and he is dressed in a white tee shirt with crisp white pants.

HL:  Good evening Betty.

Me: Good evening to you Dr. Lecter.  Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me.

HL:  You're welcome.  May I see your credentials, please?

Me:  Credentials?

HL:  Yes, please.

Me:  I write a blog, Sir, that requires no special credentials.

HL:  Any form of identification will do.

I dig around in my purse for my wallet.  I take out a recorder, a pencil, a pad of paper.  I find my wallet under all those things.  I Pull my driver's license out and hold it up.

HL:  Closer.

I step closer.

HL:  Closer.

I step even closer and press it to the glass.  Dr. Lecter steps close enough to read it.  He lets out a little laugh and has a smirk on his face.

HL:  Your stated weight is 135 pounds.

Me:  That's correct Dr. Lector.

HL:  Oh but that isn't correct now is it?  It seems your state-issued identification is riddled with inaccuracies now isn't it Betty?

Me:  Well I wouldn't say riddled per se.

HL:  Tell me, Betty, when is the last time you weighed 135 pounds?

Me:  It hasn't been that long...

HL:  It's been a while.  Look at yourself, Betty.  Or should I call you by your real name?

Me:  Betty Stebber is just a pen name, Dr. Lecter.  You are welcome to call me by real name.

HL:  Your pen name is Betty Stebber?

Me:  That's right.  Can we do a few questions for the blog?

HL:  All good things come to those who wait.  I have a few questions of my own.

Me:  Is this your quid pro quo Dr. Lecter?

HL:  Why did you choose the pen name Betty Stebber?

Me:  Part is a variation of my own name and part is just for fun.

HL:  Why not Tawsha Hewett?

Me:  Tasha Hewitt?

HL:  No, Taw-sha Hew-ett.

I stare blankly at him for a moment.

HL:  Pass me something so I can write it.

Me: I'm not supposed to send you anything.

HL:  You're going to let Dr. Chilton make the rules?  Why don't you play by Betty's rules?  Pass me paper and something to write with through the food carrier.

I tear off a piece of paper from my pad and slide it and my pen to Dr. Lecter through the food carrier.  He writes the name on the paper and places it on the glass for me to read.

Me:  Tawsha Hewett?

HL:  What the Waste.

He smiles at his little joke.

Me:  I don't like anagrams as much as you do Dr. Lecter.

We are interrupted by a blaring sound.  It is deafening.  I cover my ears and look to Dr. Lecter.  He smiles and holds up a finger in the 'just a minute' sort of way.  The sound lasts about a minute and suddenly stops.

Me:  What was that?!!?

HL:  Dr. Chilton does enjoy his petty torments.  He blares sound through the speaker system from time to time.  Now please, tell me why you applied for an interview with me, Betty.

Me:  Because you're a brilliant doctor.  You have insight into so much, I thought you would have so much to offer.

HL:  Betty, Betty, Betty.  You were doing good.  You were honest that you can't maintain your weight, you admitted how you chose your silly pen name.  Then you blow it with false flattery.

Me:  You are brilliant.

HL:  I think we both know why you're here.

Me:  And why is that Doctor?

HL:  You think getting an interview with me will boost your blog traffic.  You think you can come here and toy with me for your own nefarious purposes?

Me:  No doctor!

HL:  Then why interview me for an environmental blog?!?!?

Me:  Because you never waste anything?

I give a weak smile hoping he will find humor in my effort at a joke.

Dr. Lecter laughs and laughs.  I watch him for several moments as he carries on.  I'm confused as to why he finds that as funny as he does.

HL:  Oh, Dear Betty, you do entertain me with your humorous acumen.  

Me:  I've been told that I'm a literal nerd, Dr. Lecter.

HL:  Most serial killers are more wasteful than I am, I suppose.  I eat my victims, therefore nothing goes to waste.  I like your style, Betty.

Me:  Thank you, Dr. Lecter.

HL:  So there is your post.  Hannibal Lecter wastes no flesh, and since they hardly let me have anything in my cell, I'm a forced minimalist.

Me:  Are you still a minimalist if it's forced?

HL:  Look into my cell.  What do you see?

I look into his cell.  He literally has nothing.  I smile at him.  He is the very definition of a minimalist, forced or not.

Me:  Way to rock the less waste lifestyle, Dr. Lecter.

HL:  I do what I can Betty, I do what I can.

I smile back at Dr. Lecter.

HL:  Now tell me, Betty, have the lambs stopped screaming?

Me:  The lambs?  I don't know about any lambs.

HL:  No lambs?

Me:  No lambs.

HL:  Not even one lamb?

Me:  No lamb.

HL:  Didn't you have any pets as a child lamb or other?

Me:  We had a beagle.

HL:  Tell me about this beagle.

Me:  We got a beagle when I was little, that's all.

HL:  No!  That's not all.  Now tell me about the beagle and don't lie, or I'll know.

Me:  My family got a beagle puppy when I was in elementary school.  We got to put names into a hat to pick its name.  My brother and I both put the name Harold into the hat and that was the winning name.  But the next day my mother changed the puppy's name to Scottie because she was a sore loser, I suppose.  

HL:  And?

Me:  We only had the dog a couple of years,

HL:  Why?  What happened to Scottie the beagle?

Me:  That dog didn't like me and it bit me all the time.  Never a terrible bite but he broke skin most of the time.  He liked my brother better and I hated when he would play with the dog.  I could hear the dog barking and having fun.  When Scottie bit my brother, my parents finally had him put to sleep.

HL:  So what you're saying, my dear Betty, is that the beagle that bit your brother has stopped barking?

Me:  Yes.

HL:  The beagle stopped barking?

Dr. Lecter is smiling at me and I roll my eyes.

Me:  Yes, the beagle stopped barking.

Dr. Lecter laughs and laughs.  Apparently, he can be funny too. 

HL:  Oh I do hope you come back to see me again Betty, I'd sure love to have you for dinner next time.

Dr. Lecter has indicated that my time is up and I quickly pack up my things.  I walk briskly to my car and begin the long drive home.  I'm more than halfway home when I realize that he has my pen.  I forgot to get it back when I passed it to him through the food carrier.  Sh!t!  That's my favorite pen.  I think about turning around but it's too far and it's late.  I can get a new one.  It's probably fine.  What could he possibly do with a pen anyway?  

Dr. Hannibal Lecter:

 minimalist and waster of nothing