I arrive at Old McDonald's farm early and after parking my car, I make the short walk to the far east side of the farm where the chicken lives. He has a large coop all to himself and it is designed more like a tiny home than an actual chicken coop. He is to chickens what Charles Lindbergh was to humans after his transatlantic flight. This chicken is a celebrity in his own right. He has crossed the road when no other chicken dared to do so. He is a hero to every flightless bird that has ever lived.
As I approach the decked out coop, I am greeted by the chicken that crossed the road. He has taken the liberty of setting out a chair for me and he warmly shakes my hand and offers me a seat. I sit down and he is eager to begin. He had initiated the interview after he read my post about factory chicken. He felt it would be a good use of his celebrity to speak out against the inhumane treatment of broiler chickens. You can read the post about factory chicken here.
Chicken: Welcome Betty, so glad to get started on this interview. I hope that I can make a positive change for chickens everywhere, even if it's only a small change. Every little bit helps to bring attention to this terrible practice of inhumane treatment of broilers everywhere.
Me: I'm thrilled to help in any way that I can. Could I get your full name for the post?
Chicken: Well you already have it, I'm the chicken that crossed the road.
Me: Of course, everyone knows you crossed the road but no one knows your real name and I think that's important.
Chicken: That is my real name.
Me: I'm confused. What is your real name?
Chicken: The Chicken That Crossed The Road.
Me: Wait, you're saying that your name is literally The Chicken That Crossed The Road?!?!?
Chicken: That's right, it's my legal name.
The chicken lifts up one half of his rear end in his chair and gets his wallet out of his feathers. He roots around in the wallet and hands me his legal identification. I study it in a state of confusion and surprise.
Me: So you legally changed your name?
Chicken: Exactly.
Me: So your first name is The Chicken, your middle name is That, and your last name is Crossed The Road?
Chicken: That's what I've been trying to explain.
I hand the ID back to him and he returns it to his wallet. He puts the wallet back into his feathers on his rear end. There is a moment of silence while I try to comprehend this interesting name change.
Chicken: Here's the thing, my name before is inconsequential. I was no one until I crossed that road and that is who I want to be and what I want to be known for. It might seem insignificant to you, but to chickens, it is the biggest thing we have ever accomplished. It put chickens on the map. Have you ever wondered why a dog, a cat, or even a horse crossed the road? No, you haven't, because it's nothing for them, yet it's everything for us.
Me: I understand. I was just expecting you to say your name was something like, Clucky McFeather-Bottom or something you know, chicken-like.
Chicken: Clucky McFeather-Bottom?!?!? Do you know how insulting that is for someone like me to hear?
Me: I'm so sorry, I didn't-
Chicken: Please, just save the apologies. Just please try to educate yourself on this sort of thing. It's presumptive of you and you are clearly more intelligent than that. Now please, let's talk about factory chicken.
Me: No problem. I just want to ask you one thing first.
Chicken: Shoot.
Me: Tell me how it felt.
Chicken: How what felt?
Me: You know, after.
Chicken: After what exactly?
Me: The road of course.
Chicken: I'd rather not discuss the road today, today is about making life better for chickens.
Me: Absolutely, it is about making life better for chickens but come on, how did it feel?
Chicken: How did what feel?
Me: How did it feel when you got to the other side?
Chicken: Let's talk about the inhumanity of chicken growers.
Me: Of course, but just tell me how it felt, you know, right after you crossed the road. Did you cross it again right away? Did you pump your wings in the air and sing Eye of the tiger? How did it feel?
Chicken: I don't like to talk about it really, now please, let's move on.
Me: How can you not like to talk about it? You are a hero, you're the bravest chicken on the planet.
Chicken: Fine. You want to know how it felt, I'll tell you how it felt. It felt like spitting into the wind, like a hole in one, like sunshine on a rainy day.
Me: What?
Chicken: What do you mean, what?
Me: Your analogy.
Chicken: What about it?
Me: I don't understand it.
Chicken: What's not to understand?
Me: Well, it doesn't make sense.
Chicken: Which part?
Me: All the parts.
Chicken: How so?!?!?
Me: Well when you spit into the wind, you get spit in your face. Making a hole in one is really hard and I think sunshine on a rainy day is a lyric by the Temptations.
Chicken: You don't think I could make a hole in one?
Me: Well maybe but-
Chicken: But what?
Me: Well-
Chicken: BUT WHAT?!?!?
Me: How many golf courses could you have been to and well, you're a chicken, how would you hold a golf club?
Chicken: So what are you insinuating?
Me: Um. Nothing. It's just not how I would think crossing the road would be described by someone-
Chicken: Are you accusing me of not being who I claim to be?
Me: Oh, no, I would never-
Chicken: I crossed that road! I crossed it then and I could cross it again now, or any time I feel like it! I'll cross it right now if that's what you want!
Me: Well, I mean, if you want to do it now, you can.
Chicken: Right now?
Me: Well sure, there's that road right there, and well, you offered.
Chicken: That road? Right there?
Me: I mean, it's no big deal right. You can cross the road any time you feel like it right?
Chicken: Right.
I stand up and The Chicken stands up. We walk in silence the few yards over to the narrow country road. We both stop at the edge.
Me: Well this is it.
Chicken: Yep.
Me: So...
Chicken: Is this really necessary?
Me: Well we walked over here, there are no cars, and the weather is good, so...
Chicken: Right.
He looks panicked and his eyes are darting back and forth. I decide to walk to the other side so that he can simply join me.
Me: Are you coming?
He paces back and forth. He keeps wiping his brow with his wing. He is freaking out. I try some words of encouragement.
Me: Hey, you can do it, you've done this before!
Chicken: I CAN'T!!!
Me: Yes you can!
Chicken: No! I can't and I never did. I'm a fraud and a failure! I never crossed the road!
He quickly turns and runs back to his coop with his wings flapping along as he runs. I can hear him wailing and crying. I am in a state of shock. His story didn't make sense but I never doubted him. I certainly didn't come here to expose this poor chicken as a liar. I feel terrible. I slowly walk back and grab my things and walk back to my car. I don't bother to knock on his door to talk to him before I go. I know there is nothing I can say at this point. It is obvious that this interview is over.
The Chicken
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty.
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