*Mama Betty's DIY Gremlin Milk

So you got a Mogwai and you tried to follow the three rules to the best of your ability.  Rule number one, do not expose to sunlight or you will kill your Mogwai.  Rule number two, do not get your Mogwai wet or it will spawn.  Rule number three, never feed your Mogwai after midnight.  

The first two rules seem simple enough but that third rule is a little tricky.  When, exactly, is "after midnight?"  Isn't anytime, technically speaking, after midnight?  Would "after midnight" end at noon?  Maybe midnight is 12:01am-11:59am?  What if you feed your Mogwai at exactly midnight?  Would that be okay?  As long as the food is swallowed before 12:01am, obviously.  Can the Mogwai drink after midnight or is the ban inclusive of beverages as well?  If the eating is specific to foods that need to be chewed, can the Mogwai have thicker liquids like a malt or a slushy?  

At any rate, you f*cked up and the Mogwai has eaten after midnight.  Don't despair, once you catch that crazy gremlin, you can make highly nutritious and delicious milk.  You can make "milk" out of anything now.  Almonds, cashews, soy, oats, the sky is the limit really.  I have come up with a very simple recipe that turns out great every time.  The milk keeps in the fridge for up to a week too.  I like to use the ears as a garnish but that's totally optional.  I hope your family enjoys it as much as mine has.  My only suggestion is that if you have small children, don't tell them that the Gremlin you used in the milk used to be their Mogwai, this is going to upset them.  The bonus, of course, is that they will have so much energy from the Gremlin milk that they can keep looking for their "lost" Mogwai until they forget about it and move on, or until you can find a replacement doppelganger, whichever comes first.

Gremlin Milk

1 Gremlin (save the ears)

4 cups fresh, cold water

1 tsp vanilla extract

2 tbsp maple syrup (or 2 dates if you prefer)

Add all ingredients into your Vitamix blender and pulse a few times to chop the meat a bit.  Feel free to add any optional add-ins like stevia, cucumber, or berries.  Blend for 1-2 minutes.  Strain the milk through cheesecloth or a nut milk bag making sure to get every last bit of milk that you can by squeezing the pulp.  I compost the pulp and toss the cheesecloth or nut milk bag into the washer. 

Delicious, nutritious Gremlin milk.

*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty