This is a guest blog post written by that guy who lives in the free candy van down by the river. The views and opinions expressed in this guest post are not the views and opinions of Betty Stebber, the Stebber family, or What the Waste?!?!?
I'm so glad to be able to contribute to the less waste movement by being featured as a guest blogger for a day. You may not know who I am but you have surely seen me around. I'm that guy who lives in the van down by the river. Yes, the van that says 'Free Candy' on the sides. My name isn't important but I'm proud to say that it has been added to a lot of local registries.
I feel that I contribute a lot to the less waste movement by living a simple lifestyle. My van is my home and it hardly takes up any space at all. I live off the land around me and by that, I mean that I am able to find amazing leftovers and goodies that are discarded by the rich people who live nearby. Sure, some people might say that I'm eating garbage but when it's on the top and hovering like an angel, it's not garbage to me.
I also utilize the land by washing my clothes in the river. Once a month or so, I head on into the water to clean up and I wash my clothes right there in the water. When I get out of the water I throw my clothes on top of the van and let nature dry them out for me. I've only got the one outfit but I don't mind soaking up a little sun myself in my lawn chair while I wait for my stuff to dry. You'd be surprised how natural it feels to be nude in the woods.
I'm in between work at the moment on account of my back, of course, so I collect aluminum cans that are discarded at the park nearby or the ones people litter along the road. Sometimes, if I need a little more money, I'll take some pop cans and beer cans out of the recycling bins from the houses nearby. They sure don't miss them at all. I take them up to the recycling center and they give me enough to get by. I have to walk, of course, on account of the van not running at the moment. Sometimes if I have more than I can carry, I'll ask one of the boys from the park to help me out and they are usually eager to help. I just have to remember not to ask them when I'm drying in my lawn chair since I'm nude and that didn't go over so well the last time I did that, hence the registry. I don't pay the boys but I do give them a piece of candy or let them hang out in my van for a little bit as a reward for being such a good little helper.
I spend the little bit of money that I make on candy for the kids. I can see the park quite well from the van, especially when I use my binoculars or my camera with the zoom lens. I just enjoy keeping an eye on the kids and making sure they are safe. When the parents aren't around I will walk over there and talk to them a little bit and they think I'm pretty cool. I give the really good kids a piece or two of candy just to be nice and because I just love kids so much.
That's my van. When she's running she's a pretty sweet ride.
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty.
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