I'm Frosty and I just want everyone to know that I'm not the snowman that I used to be. I'm a celebrity and that stuff they say about me just isn't true anymore. I've been famous for a long time and I've made some bank in that time. Don't get me wrong, I'm still the jolly happy soul that I used to be, I've just been afforded the finer things in life.
For starters, I don't wear that old silk hat anymore. I'm sick of all that old crap. I have a top hat now that's extra tall and has a sleek shine. I keep a rabbit in it just for fun.
Let's talk about this coal for eyes crap. I ain't got time for no damn cheap coal eyes. Nah. This fly snowman has got himself a couple pair of eyes now. I have one pair of onyx for my day to day. Now for nights out or when I wanna be on fleek, I have a pair of highly polished fire agates. Fire agates look badass and give me an extra little something to draw some extra attention.
My nose has been the topic of much speculation. Some people say it's a button nose and others say it's a carrot nose. The carrot nose was an ugly rumor started and perpetuated by the agriculture industry. They tried to cash in on my celebrity for their own nefarious, greedy reasons. Truth is, I never had a carrot nose. Carrot noses are for basic snowmen, and even in the beginning, I was no basic snowman. I had a button nose and even that was better than a carrot for a nose. These days I rock a 100-carat heirloom Citrine gemstone nose. This snowman don't play. Yes, it's fancy, but that's how I roll. I actually had it mined by hand, deep in the Northern Ural Mountains in Russia. I had it sent to Kim Kardashian before I got it so she could give it a little kiss for good luck for me. We go way back.
Let's talk about that corn cob pipe. Now that's just embarrassing. It's what I had at the time and that's that. I tossed that corn cob pipe into the fire the first chance I got. You won't be seeing me with that anymore. These days all I smoke is Cannabis Caviar rolled in freshly printed, crisp $100 bills.
How can I get close enough to a fire to toss in my old corn cob pipe? Easy. I ain't got to worry myself with melting anymore. I can go in the sun, close to the fire, or to Hawaii, if the mood strikes me. I had each of my flakes impregnated with medical grade silicone, gold flakes, and diamond dust. I got sparkle and shine like no other snowman you know.
Lastly, let's talk footwear. All I wear is Yeezy brand. I wear a different pair everyday and I never wear the same pair twice. I'm fly like that and it's a personal favor to Kanye, to help promote his business. I'm a humble guy despite my wealth and I like to do what I can to help others out.
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty
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