*Volcanoes: Mother Nature's Trash Chutes

Volcanoes are a long overlooked resource for waste disposal.  New studies have suggested that this is a solution worth trying.  

One such study, recently completed by Art Vandelay and his team of scientists, suggests that volcanoes act as a natural incinerator.  "My team and I threw everything we could at our test volcano, literally."  Says Vandelay.  "We threw in everything from cotton balls to a cast iron sink, and that volcano was always hungry for more.  One time we threw in a vintage fridge from 1952, full of food, just because we could.  We threw in a twice baked potato, although I guess it would be thrice baked now, right?  I tossed in a couple dozen lobsters, live, of course.  They were fun to watch because those babies turned bright red on the fall down.  That's right, they cooked before they even broke the surface of the lava!  We threw in some hockey sticks, a pair of skates, plenty of footballs.  We rolled in one of those push mowers, nobody likes them anyway.  My personal favorite was when we got a pallet of those jumbo cans of beans from Costco.  Those were Bush's Original Baked Beans in the 117-ounce cans, that's 7 pounds, 5 ounces per can.  We didn't put the whole pallet in, oh no, we savored that and did one jumbo can at a time.  It just sits there a second before it explodes and then you get that faint aroma of beany goodness."

"The key to this form of waste management is to add the refuse in slowly but continuously.  If you go hurling huge loads in, that upsets the delicate balance of thermodynamics.  When that balance gets upset, the volcano bubbles up and spits back at you.  You want a nice easy, steady stream of trash flowing in.  Nobody wants an angry, frothing volcano."

There is a big push to get this system up and running.  If every available volcano was accepting a steady stream of trash, twenty-four hours a day, it could mean the end of our trash problems.  

Mr. Vandelay clearly takes great pride in his work.  "You know what they say, if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life."  

Here is a short clip of a hungry volcano feasting on a sack of trash: click here

Renowned scientist, Art Vandelay  

*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty