Anyone who knows me knows that I love Larry David. That's right, I LOVE LARRY DAVID! He had me at "I own one pair of underwear, that’s it!" He was on Saturday Night Live, impersonating Bernie Sanders. My life was forever changed. From that moment on, it was a slippery slope into the hilarious abyss of comedic genius that is Larry David. His overly analytical perception of the smallest intricacies of everyday life speaks to the deepest parts of my soul. I, too, analyze and ruminate over the smallest of things. I'm a deep thinker with a dry and colorful sense of humor. Imagine the joy I felt when I found out I was going to interview the brains behind Curb Your Enthusiasm! Be still my heart. This is it!
Through Larry's agent, we were able to agree upon a locus equidistant of points. I had my heart set on Leo's and he begrudgingly agreed. Curb fans know why I chose Leo's.
Finally, the day arrived and I headed to Leo's. I get there and the place is empty, except for Leo and Larry. Leo greets me enthusiastically and ushers me to the table that Larry is sitting at. Larry stands up, shakes my hand, and offers me a seat. We exchange the usual pleasantries and introductions. I sit down and stare at him for a moment. I can't believe I'm sitting at the same table as Larry David. I notice that he has on a navy pair of Simple shoes. I blush. He is so adorable.
LD: Do you want to take a look at the menu?
Me: No, I know what I want.
Larry motions for Leo and he comes over right away.
Leo: What can I get for you?
LD: Just give me a tuna sandwich. No blandishments, just the tuna.
Leo looks at me.
I feel my face get hot because I'm embarrassed.
Me: I'd like the Larry David sandwich, please.
LD: What? You don't want that. It's disgusting. You should get something else.
Me: I'd really like the Larry David sandwich.
LD: WHY? Do you know what's on that thing?
Leo: It's a lovely whitefish and sable on rye.
LD: Whitefish and sable don't even belong together. Just get something else. Anything else. Get the Ted Danson at least!
Leo: Whitefish and sable are beautiful together, there's also capers, onions, and cream cheese. Did I mention it's on rye bread?
I feel ridiculous. I knew this was going to happen. Larry hates his sandwich.
Me: I'll stick with the Larry David sandwich, please.
Leo smiles. Larry throws up his hands in disgust.
LD: It's terrible, it nearly killed my father you know!
Me: I don't even like fish. I just want to have the Larry David, with Larry David, at Leo's.
Leo smiles. Larry laughs.
LD: Suit yourself.
Leo goes to the kitchen to make our sandwiches. I look around and notice that there is still no one else here.
Me: Where is everyone?
LD: Leo lets me have the place to myself when I ask. Keeps me safe from the ineptitude of society.
Me: I'm impressed. People watching is fun though.
LD: So tell me about this blog of yours.
Me: It's just a little something that helps people be less wasteful and live a simpler life that's more fulfilling. I try to add a little humor here and there.
LD: Sounds interesting enough. I have to admit I haven't read it. Do you get a lot of readers?
I stare at Larry. I'm frozen. I was hoping this wouldn't be asked.
LD: I said you get a lot of readers?
Me: Um
Larry laughs.
LD: Come on now, how many readers do you have?
Me: I'd rather not say. It's a new blog, these things take time.
LD: Scratch your ear if you have less than 10,000 readers per day.
I scratch my ear.
LD: Touch your hair if you have less than 5,000 readers per day.
I run my fingers through my long hair.
LD: Move your seat if you have less than 1,000 readers per day.
Me: I don't want to do this.
Larry laughs.
LD: Come on, it's funny.
I scoot my chair a bit closer to the table.
LD: What? No way.
I roll my eyes. I'm so embarrassed.
LD: Okay, adjust your necklace if it's less than 500 readers per day.
I don't move.
LD: 500 readers per day isn't bad for a new blog I bet.
I sigh and gently adjust my necklace.
LD: What?!? Less than 500 readers per day.
Larry laughs again. I can't help but laugh a little when he does.
LD: Put your finger in your nose if you have under 100 readers per day.
I take my middle finger and put it in my nose.
Larry laughs.
LD: You're giving me the finger? Your abysmally low blog traffic isn't my fault.
Me: Can we talk about the blog?
LD: As soon as we get to the bottom of this. Clear your throat if you have less than 50 readers per day.
I clear my throat.
At that moment Leo comes out of the back with a tray. He gives us each our plated sandwiches and asks us if we want anything to drink besides water. We both say water is fine.
LD: Now look at this tuna sandwich. Nothing more, nothing less. Tuna can hold its own any day of the week. I love tuna. In fact, I must say it's pretty, pretty, pretty good.
I look at my Larry David sandwich. He was right, it looks disgusting. I hate fish. Who can pass up a Larry David Sandwich with Larry David though? Maybe I can just nibble the crust or something.
LD: I see you staring at that garbage on your plate. Don't say I didn't warn you. Even the Mel Brooks would be better than that and the Mel Brooks is liverwurst and egg salad!
I laugh. The Mel Brooks sounds worse.
LD: Poke that gross sandwich with your finger if you have less than 25 readers per day.
I poke the sandwich.
LD: Poke it again if it's less than 10.
I poke the sandwich. Larry is cracking himself up.
Me: Are we done now?
LD: One more. Take a bite of that sandwich if you have less than 5 readers per day.
I make a lugubrious face at Larry.
LD: So less than 10 and more than 5?
I sigh and take a bite of the sandwich.
LD: Wow. Less than 5. You poor thing.
I'm trying to swallow the bite I took and it just won't go down. I can breathe but not well and it is stuck.
LD: What's wrong? Too gross to eat?
Larry stares at me for a second.
LD: What the fuck? LEO!
Leo comes running out.
LD: Call an ambulance! This poor girl is choking on your shitty sandwich.
I'm not really choking so much as my throat is tight. I think I'm having an allergic reaction. I must be allergic to the fish!
Larry and Leo argue over the sandwich as we wait for the ambulance. I think they forgot about me. Leo argues that people love the sandwich and that Larry is lucky to even have a sandwich named after him. Larry argues that no one in the right mind would enjoy a whitefish and sable sandwich.
The ambulance arrives and they are loading me into the back. Two paramedics are asking me questions and working in a flurry of activity. Right before they shut the doors Larry yells at me.
LD: I told you-you should have ordered the Ted Danson!!!
Larry David
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty
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