Good news everyone! Professor George Astir has solved the World’s 2.6 Trillion pounds per year trash problem. Professor Astir has teamed up with Space X to solve this trash crisis and together, they are ready to announce the beginning of a new era of waste management. Trash will be blasted at the Sun with a hardy fleet of Ariane V rockets. Each Ariane V rocket is equipped to handle a 15,432-pound payload of solid waste. To haul one year’s worth of trash to the Sun, it will take 168 million Ariane V rockets, or “Trash Blasters,” as Professor Astir has dubbed them. Due to the sheer volume of Trash Blasters required for trash relocation, Space X plans to build spaceports in every major city. The cost is a staggering 33 quadrillion (not including the spaceports) but having trash no longer an issue, it practically pays for itself. The Trash Blasters are predicted to have a 97 percent success rate. What about that other 3 percent? Professor Astir explains “Nothing is 100 percent. There is going to be a small fraction of collateral damage. If a Trash Blaster should explode, miss the Sun, or collide with a meteor, it will be catastrophic. We will have burning hot trash and nuclear waste raining down on our oceans, atmosphere, and populated soil. This will greatly impact our commercial, industrial, and residential neighborhoods. I’d like to stress that this is just a small price to pay to continue our way of life. Because people can buy and toss whatever they want, the economy will soar with beautiful consumerism. Imagine the freedom of using only disposables, they make life much more convenient and enjoyable.” Trash Blasters are set to launch early next year and are expected to blast us into a new chapter of waste management.
Trash Blaster concept drawing, courtesy of Futurama
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty
No comments:
Post a Comment