As we creep closer to the imminent shutdown of municipal waste removal, panic is setting in for residents across the country. I was fortunate enough to be able to get some insight on this crisis from top trash adviser Richard Smalley. “Americans have been warned that waste is no longer something the government can handle now that landfills are full and recycling facilities can’t put a dent in the amount of materials waiting to be recycled,” Smalley says. Starting on January 1st, citizens will be responsible for their own waste on their own property. It will be illegal to dump waste on public or privately owned land that doesn’t belong to you.
Luckily, Mr. Smalley has plenty of great ideas to help people handle their waste. Smalley says, “every household needs a compost, that is a top priority. Another thing most homes will want is a pig. Not one of those tiny little cute ones either, I’m talking the kind of swine that will grow into a giant garbage munching machine, a real pigzilla. Another thing you’re gonna want to do is start digging a pit in your backyard. Make sure to dig that pit real deep, I mean between eighteen and twenty feet, or it’s gonna stink to high heaven, and when you have stink, you have rodents of all species and sizes. People are going to want to get back to the good old days of the Smokey Joe. Smokey Joe got a bad wrap in the past but their ability to turn waste into a raging inferno of incineration has been realized and reclaimed. That way, whatever you don’t compost, bury or feed to your monster pig, you can burn. Sure it pollutes the air, but just don’t breathe in the sweet smells of burning trash. Make sure you keep that smoke away from the swine or you’ll make him sick and he won’t want to eat.”
“Not only are these effective solutions to trash, but they are also an opportunity to bring families together. People should be excited about these changes. It’s a civic duty that instills pride in the community. Children love animals and will love their new garbage munching pet. It’s a real pleasure to watch your little one hand feed melons to an endless pit of a pig. Kids and parents alike will enjoy hurling yesterday’s treasures into the deep, dark pit in the yard. The whole family will delight in watching the yard compost turn into rotten entrails. To top it off, you can roast marshmallows over the Smokey Joe! Now that’s a s’more I’ll gladly eat!”
*Satirical Saturday brought to you by Betty
No comments:
Post a Comment