ODDz N Endz is a new feature that stems from requests that I write about "regular" things in addition to the blog. I have a natural tendency to ruminate over what other people consider the minutiae of daily life and offer a rather unique perspective. Today's ODDz N Endz is my thoughts and reflections that stem from a real story that involves an acquaintance of mine. I extended her the courtesy of not using her real name. This story may be offensive or inappropriate to some readers but bear in mind that's why this was requested in the first place. If it was mundane and normal what would be the point? What follows is a story that I like to refer to as The Dog Milker.
The story of the dog milker begins with Sara. Sara loves her dogs and takes excellent care of them. She loves her dogs as if they were her children. Sara is interested in possibly breeding one of her dogs someday, we'll call this dog Red. Sara decides the best way to ensure a legacy for Red is to have semen collected and stored for use at a later date. Sara finds a renowned dog semen collecter and makes the drive into the neighboring state with Red for an appointment. We will call the semen collecter Bill.
Bill lives in a trailer but is a professional in the semen collection business. Sara has checked around and has been assured that Bill is the very best and is well worth the drive and fee for this service. Bill greets Sara and Red and then brings Red into another room while Sara waits. After several moments, Bill returns with Red and the task has been completed. The semen collected is later brought to a facility that freezes it for the purpose of long term preservation. Since I did not hear this story first hand, I can't speak to the logistics of how the semen made its way to the freezing facility. I am not sure if the semen was ever used to impregnate a dog to carry on Red's genes. This is where the story ends for most people but for those who are close to me, there is much more to the story than what most people consider. This story has come up again and again in the few years since I first heard it which is why I chose it for the first in this new feature.
This story is teeming with possibilities to consider with Bill being at the center of that tornado of thoughts. First of all, Bill is touted as "the best" in the business, so much so that he is worth the drive from another state. How did Bill get into this line of work and how did he become to be known as the best?
Main job or moonlighting? I know that Bill lives in a trailer, so this leads me to believe that he must not be a veterinarian and is perhaps not terribly well off in the financial department. Does Bill have another job or is collecting semen from dogs what is paying the bills? I did some investigating online and it looks as though this type of service can run you a few hundred bucks so I think it is within the realm of possibilities that this is just what Bill does for a living.
Getting started. Before you can be the best you must put in the effort to become the best. How on earth did Bill get into this line of work? What possessed him to manually collect dog semen the very first time? Is it a family business and he's been doing this his entire life? Was this something his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather excelled at and the tricks of the trade, so to speak, were passed down to him? Did Bill get drunk one day with his friends and decide to jerk off a dog out of sheer redneck boredom upon which his amazing skill was realized? Did he do hard time in prison in which his hustle was to masturbate his fellow cell block members in exchange for two soups and a single of instant coffee? Could Bill be a male prostitute and this was a natural extension of that specific skill set? Is Bill sexually attracted to dogs and performing this service is actually his pleasure? Considering that last pontification, remember what they say, "if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life."
Honing your craft. Regardless of how and why Bill got into this line of work, he has put in the time to be the best around. According to Malcolm Gladwell, it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. I can't imagine that Bill has spent 10,000 hours providing loving relief to male dogs, although it can't be ruled out. If not quantified in hours, perhaps in the number of satisfied customers? How many dogs do you have to "satisfy" to be the best? 100? 500? 1,000? Let's assume the magic number is 500 satisfied dogs, does something inspiring occur between dog 499 and dog 500? Did he discover a signature move that will ensure success for each client? Like Jerry Seinfeld's signature move that he ends with a clockwise twist?
Separating yourself from mediocrity. What makes Bill better than the others that provide this service? Is he the best because he can assist a dog to climax in record-setting time? Is he the best because his satisfied customers have a higher quantity of sperm in their samples? Have the dogs been talking and they all rave about Bill's soft, sensual hands? Does Bill have a natural intuition that allows him to stare into a dog's eyes and know what he desires? Maybe he can sense which dogs enjoy a firm grip and which ones prefer a gentler approach? Perhaps being the best is quantified in the number of pumps? Randy, the dog semen collector across the park gets dogs off in three pumps whereas Bill requires a mere two pumps (or less) in comparison.
Making a name for yourself, literally. We don't know how Bill got into this business or what skill set he perfected to become the best but we do know that he is the best. Now that he is the best, what does he call himself? A dog semen collecter? I have doubts that a man who lives in a trailer jerking off dogs refers to himself in such a bland way. Is he the dog jerker? The dog masturbater? The dog prostitute? The dog hustler? The dog handler? The possibilities are endless really but I like to think that when Bill discusses what he does for a living, he refers to himself simply as "the dog milker."
This is much how I imagine the dog milker looks when he isn't working, of course.
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